


Make Ur Gay Little Podcast

by Whatawonderfulworld123



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Gifted Child Syndrome, M/M, Martin carries a hairdryer in his purse, Motorcycles, Starbucks, The Void, down with cis, hand holding, sreeha(me) is tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:26:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27746698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whatawonderfulworld123/pseuds/Whatawonderfulworld123
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, last two are there if u squint and reach like the klance stans, no hate i was also a klance stan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

The day was light and fading for John as he skimmed his fingers over the course paper in the files. John really hated his job. “Man I really hate my job,” John said to himself. He had been working at this job for 6543456789 years, and to be quite honest, John was tired. He kept having to listen to people whine about ‘being terrorized by supernatural entities’ and ‘their husband being swallowed by a homophobic vase’ and now, to top it all off, he had a paper cut from running his fingers over the files too much.

Joghn pressed his finger to a tissue to slow the tiny beads of red. The smell of blood instantly attracted Melony King, avatar of the slutter, to the door of his office.

“You called?” Melony said, sniffing the air like a hounddog.  
“For the 35th time,” John replied brittishly, “giving myself a papercut is not the same thing as calling you.”  
“Then maybe you shouldn’t be giving yourself papercuts all the time,” Melony said, sluttily. I feel really bad calling Melony King a slut. Mel0ny King isn’t a slut - she is in a committed relationship - but I have to roll with the typo.  
“It’s not like I was trying to give myself a papercut,” he grunted.  
“Maybe if you didn’t start the day by rubbing your hands all over the top of your papers, this wouldn’t happen,” Melanie suggested. “Just a friendly suggestion. You don’t even have to stop rubbing your papers, even though that’s really weird. You could just rub the front of them.”  
“I’m trying to smudge all the ink so I don’t have to archive these magnuses,” John explained.

Melonie rolled her eyes. John rolled his eyes back, but crankier. This was a prodigal task because as an avatar of The Eye, he had many eyes. Seven to be specific.

At that moment, Sasha, his assistant walked in, her high heels clicking sharply on the floor. She had breasts like a woman with breasts and eyes that fluttered like something that blinked occasionally. Her legs were as long as legs that were sometimes long, like when someone is averagely tall. She smelled like human skin and, to the perceptive person, meat. Melony was a perceptive person.

John squinted his eyes, which was a prodigal task because he had nine eyes. “You’re not Sasha.”

“No, Not-Sasha’s on break today,” Sasha said.  
“Oh you’re not Not-Sasha?” John said, tiredly.  
“Yeah,” Not Not-Sasha said, not sashaishly.  
“Yeah, she smells like meat,” Melony confirmed.  
“Oh, thank you, that’s my meat flavored perfume. I got it at Bed Baht and zbeyond” she said, pulling out a small bottle of perfume labeled “Bed Baht And Zbeyond Perfumes: Human Skin And To The Perceptive Person Meat Occasionally”.  
“Nice” said melony, not actually thinking it’s nice.

Tim walked in the room bisexually.

“Ooh perfume! Can i have a sip?” he queried with innocence.  
“Fine,” Not-Not Not Not-Sasha said. Tim grabbed the bottle eagerly and tipped it backwards, swallowing a small mouthful. Tim was the vice president of the coding club at William and Mary. He was also the avatar of Being A Good Person.  
“So what’s on the agenda today?” Not-Not Not Not Not-Not Not Sasha asked.  
“Well, you see,” John said, “I can’t read my papers because I’ve been smudging all the ink.”  
“That’s rough” said Yergan, materializing into the room. He just does that sometimes.  
“Go back to your goth art major boyfriend,” said John, who did not like Yergan Lightner because he reminded him too much of a lighter, which once John set his extraordinary long hair on fire with in fifth grade. This was the process that would inspire him to become an archivist, because he was too cranky and british for any other place of work.  
“ok.” said Yergan. He did, but not because they told him to.  
“Just get someone in here and we’ll pretend some new horrible thing with the SCP--” he coughed. “I mean entities -- happened.”  
“Well Boy Are You In Luck Today!” said lesbian icon Helen Spiral, appearing in the hall in a theater-kid-like fashion. She had one of those dramatic ass paper fans which she posed against the doorframe with. “We’ve discovered a new avatar,” said Helen.  
“No you haven’t,” said John, lowering his 17 eyes back to his paper.  
“I’m sorry that you’re so allergic to fun, John Magnusarchives,” Helen said helenishly, in a way that was evocative of the uwu face.  
“Me too,” said melony, high fiving helen spiral and then proceeding to pretend she wasn’t just brutally injured from Helen’s unfairly spiky hands. As anime rivals, melonie had to bully jogn as often as possible or else she would Die.  
“The last time you tried to have fun 14 people died,” said John to Helen Spiral. Helen was trying to crane her neck to see if Melony had been injured by her unfairly spiky hands, but had accidentally made her neck loop 360 degrees instead. Melony was trying to hide it because she knew Helen was self conscious about brutally injuring all her friends with her unfairly spiky hands.

Everyone else in the room pretended that they didn’t notice.

“Well, I have news for you little punks!” said helen with an unnervingly cheerful smile. The smile was to hide her pain. Unfortunately, it did not work.  
“What is it?” asked Tim.  
“There’s a new entity in town!” Hellen said, putting an extra L in her name for a second because it seemed more fun. “I don’t know quite what its deal is yet so I’m naming it Chicken.”  
“Chicken is a good name!” Tim said supportively, at the exact same time as John said, “Chicken is literally, and I cannot stress this enough, the stupidest possible name that anyone on this or other planes of existence could have come up with.” Tim had to speak very slowly so that the two sentences lined up with each other.  
“Wow, John, I didn’t know you were homophobic, :(“ said Helen Spiral, saying the :( part out loud.  
Melony raised a finger to ask how she did that but then put it down. There was no point.  
“So, I’m sending Jonh, Melonie, Tim, and Martin to go greet them!” Helen said. Helen may be homophobic but at least she didnt assume genders.  
“Great,” said melony, who did not think it was great.  
“I did not agree to this,” said John, who did not agree to this.

Tim was just happy to spend time with his friends.

Martin hadn’t been introduced yet. Speaking of which, Martin walked into the room drinking a cup of tea and reading a thicc book of old poetry.

“Hello Martin my love,” said John, “I am so glad that you and I have a completely peaceful love life that is not interrupted by horrific events that I have to catalog and oftentimes be involved in.” John and Martin did not have a completely peaceful love life that was not interrupted by horrific events that he had to catalog and oftentimes be involved in.

Martin gave john a little kissy and he glared at the floor because he was cranky. He secretly loved it though.

“:)”, said Helen Spiral, who is evil but says gay rights.  
“Please, can you shut the fuck up for one second,” said John.  
“Please, can you go off and make your gay little podcast,” said helen, so condescendingly that john felt years of his life physically leave his body. He fucking hated working here sometimes. He was applying to Starbucks but his retail smile wasn’t good enough yet. At least being an archivist at the archives meant that he didn’t have to act all cheery while listening to a woman talk about :). It also fit his last name.

John got up and gathered Melanyee, Tim, and Martin to make his gay little podcast, rather against his will. Not- Not Not Not-Not Not Not Not-Sasha stayed there and drank the rest of her perfume. Helen spiral maladaptively fled back into the void, where she belonged. John was happy, for the first time in years as a result.


	2. adventures in a lake

The group walked down the road, all posing dramatically in their matching suits. Melony didnt want to be wearing the same suit as john and john didn’t want to participate in group activities but Tim had pleaded and no one could say no to Tim. Martin also bribed john with extra kissies and 400$.  
“Where are we going again?” Melanie asked.   
“The void,” John reminded Melony again.  
“Oh cause the GPS is taking us to Starbucks.”  
“Oh shoot,” john said, “wrong address.”  
“You idiot” said melony, animeishly.  
John wanted to slap her but martin was holding his hand so he didnt. He would have slapped her with the other hand, but Martin was also holding his other hand. They were walking sideways and it was not very good for properly navigating. Melony hoped that they all got hit by a bus. Tim was just happy to be here.

Incidentally, Helen Spiral had a bus. It was the Down With Cis bus, which would unfortunately not be appearing in this fanfiction, but it was worth mentioning regardless.   
Passing by on one of those little motorcycles with a side car were Daisy and Basira.  
“Hey guys,” said Daisy, a cop and a bastard. Basira, also a cop and a bastard, did not stop or slow down her motercycle. They passed by without another word.  
John had no idea that either of them said anything because they had passed by so fast. He may have had 34 eyes but he only had two ears. Tim heard however, and he suddenly got very angry that they didn’t at least slow down and say hi. He proceeded to shove John into a lake, which was impressive because they were in the middle of a road and there wasn’t a lake anywhere near them. Melony laughed at him. John was angry, but secretly glad that he didn’t have to wear this suit anymore. Tim chased after the motorcycle, gaining the sudden speed of hercules in his blind rage.  
“HEY YOU MOTHERFUVKERS!!!!!!!!” Tim shouted, barreling down the road like a clown on a unicycle with a rocket attached to the back of the unicycle. “COME SAY HI TO YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!” he was so angry that he punched a truck.  
“Do you just want to go to starbucks without him?” said Melony. John would have responded if not for the fact that Melony was trying to drown him in the lake.

Catching up to Daisy and Basira, Tim rammed over, throwing a horse at them in his fury. Luckily, it missed. Unluckily, Daisy and Basira were so frightened by him that they jumped into the lake that was miles away in an effort to hide from Tim’s sudden brute strength.   
Don’t worry though, they can’t escape.  
Melony was briefly enjoying her superiority as the only person who wasn’t in the lake before she remembered that Martin existed. She quickly shoved him in the lake as well to compensate. 

At that exact moment though, a flash of gray passed in front of her eyes, a flicker of fur going under her nose. It gave Melonie the sense that she needed to sneeze, but not enough willpower to actually go through with it. She glanced around wildly, wondering if the creature that had assaulted her was relating to the newest eldritch horror in town. Her question was answered a moment later when Martin, still in the lake along with everyone else apparently, cried out in terror.


	3. uh oh, its a bastard man

John whipped around, feeling something for the first time at his boyfriend’s damselish cry. Everyone got out of the lake, all soaking wet except Martin, who carried a blow dryer on him at all times. Also climbing out of the lake was Elias who kind of just spent his time at the bottom of random lakes.   
“Hey guys, you’ll never guess what! I got remarried!” He said, happy to talk about his achievements.  
John, who supposedly had a brain cell, immediately pushed Elias back into the lake. “Begone, thot.” Elias did not come back out. He was probably fine though.  
“Wait okay, what did you see Martin?” asked Melody.   
“I think I saw the new entity Helen was talking about,” he replied.   
“Yeah but why did you scream?” John asked.   
He was old, so any loud noise made him want to die a little.  
“oh. my hair got messed up.” Martin said, fabulously.  
“Martin’s an entity?” Tim asked.  
Daisy and Basira got back on their motorcycle and drove off. Tim gave them a menacing glare as they went.  
“No,” said Martin, “I just really like poetry.”  
John rolled all 69 of his eyes. He had listened to Martin’s poetry way too much in the past few months. Melany wondered how any of this related to the entity.

Speaking of the entity, a shadow emerged in an alleyway nearby and Tim jumped at the sight. A voice echoed in the distance, sending chills down each individual spine. As an avatar of the slutter, Melony did not have a spine, but she was also unnerved.  
“Hello, mothers and fuckers of the jury,” the voice spoke out. The voice was voiceish, sounding a lot like a voice would when someone speaks in a voice.  
“I thought you were dead,” said John, recognizing the voice.  
“Why does he talk in comic sans?” said Melony, not recognizing the voice, but feeling relief at this fact.  
“I simply decided to not be dead,” said the voice, stepping out of the shadows to reveal that it was Michael mcFuckhands, also known as Micheal Distortion. He was wearing a rather snazzy suit made of bowling alley carpet and also the concept of time. It had been lovingly crafted using a sewing machine powered by the action potentials of hundreds of thousands of brains pulsing in harmony.   
“How do you spell your name?” asked Tim.  
Micheal distortion didn’t answer. He was illiterate.

“Why are you HERE?” asked martin, extremely confused.   
“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” replied Micheal Mcdistortionhands.  
“How did he say that outloud,” asked melony, kind of wanting to leave but also kind of wanting to stab someone.   
“Micheal,” began john, slowly and in pain, “are YOU the new entity in town?????”  
“No <3” said Micheal. “I’m just here to get a Venti Caramel Frappuccino with 6 shots of espresso, 8 pumps of vanilla, 5 pumps of extra caramel, 3 pumps of blueberry flavor, milk replaced with a combination of half coconut milk and half non-dairy creamer, and of course, extra whipped cream” he said.   
Right then and there, a sharp loud whine rang out and John jumped in shock as a small gray cat began to rub against his leg affectionately. Melonie laughed at john for jumping but simultaneously pulled a knife on the cat. Tim reached down and scratched its head.   
“Hey there friend,” he said, with a bisexual lull in his tone.  
“Wait a second,” melonie said, “if you’re not the entity… then who is?”  
“Oh that’s simple,” said Michael McFuckhands, and proceeded to go on a 20-minute tangent about Thomas Jefferson before finally stating, “It’s that cat.” 

Everyone jumped back, pulling their weapons out in preparation for a tremendous battle. Melonie’s knives flashed in the air, john’s statistical knowledge coming out into the 3D plane to assert him, Tim’s fists swinging wildly, ready to defend his friends, and Martin sipping a cup of tea ferociously.  
The cat sat down, licking its paw then wiping it’s soft dirty ears.  
“Don’t make any sudden moves,” whispered martin. “It could be hiding anything under that catsuit.”  
Slowly but surely, Melony reached out with one of her knives and very carefully, poked the cat on the head. The cat moved backwards, like in that one vine with the flower in response.  
“Hmm,” melony mused, “seems like a normal cat. But it could be playing the long con.” she said, narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

As if in response, the cat flicked its tail and from seemingly out of nowhere, reached and pulled out a gun which it held innocently in it’s mouth.  
Everyone screamed. Everyone except Micheal who went to go get his Venti Caramel Frappuccino with 6 shots of espresso, 8 pumps of vanilla, 5 pumps of extra caramel, 3 pumps of blueberry flavor, milk replaced with a combination of half coconut milk and half non-dairy creamer, and of course, extra whipped cream.


	4. c a t

“Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit” martin said, jumping into john’s cranky british arms. “Its a cat with a gun, we’re so fucking dead”  
“Stand back, you guys,” melony instructed, holding out a knife. The cat cocked its head, it’s ears slicking back in expression and in a sudden show of strength, fired the gun aiming it so specifically that it shot the knife directly out of melony’s hand. melonie was uninjured but her pride was not.  
“FUUUUUUUUCK” screamed Tim, running in a circle out of fear. He got so angry and afraid that he threw a tree at the cat. The little kitty bent down and licked its paw at the exact right moment and ducked so the tree flew over its head. It blinked up at them, slowly and undisturbed.   
John decided to take a risk and threw martin at the cat. Martian screamed, ready to become the catapult he’d always dreamt of being when the cat sat up and began to roll around adorably in the dirt. Martin landed beside it, unharmed, and the cat batted his head playfully.

“It’s too much for us!” cried Tim, tears forming in his beautiful little eyes.  
“Not yet,” John said, harking a slightly larger gun.   
“You’re too nerdy for that,” melonyee said, replacing it with a tape recorder. She then aimed the gun at the cat with a gun and was about to fire when the cat leapt up, placing its wet little paws on her knees. With a sudden ferocity, the cat swallowed the gun whole, somehow perfectly avoiding swallowing the original gun in its mouth. Its whisker twitched and Melony jumped back in shock, astounded at the animal’s raw power.

The groupp was at a loss. They had no idea how to handle this creature this.. god. At that moment, Micheal distortion came up to them, Venti Caramel Frappuccino with 6 shots of espresso, 8 pumps of vanilla, 5 pumps of extra caramel, 3 pumps of blueberry flavor, milk replaced with a combination of half coconut milk and half non-dairy creamer, and of course, extra whipped cream in hand.  
“I think i may have a solution to your gay little conundrum” michael said, distorionishly.

Three hours later:  
It was a mid july day. It had already been midday earlier that day, but now it was midder in the day. And it was also july.  
John relaxed at his desk, sipping his starbucks order of ◻︎●︎♋︎♓︎■︎ ⬥︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ⌛︎⌛︎⌛︎ ♏︎⬧︎◻︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎⬧︎□︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎⧫︎⬧︎. He smiled for the first time in his entire 6543456789 years of working at the magnus archives. Ah, he thought to himself, life was good.  
Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Not Sasha walked in, grinning at him with cheer. “Well john, the order came through! Now introducing the new president of magnus archives disincorporated!”   
Through the office door waltzed a familiar gray cat holding in its jaws a familiar gun. The cat blinked slowly at John and he understood with a sudden peace that this was the most love he would ever receive in his lifetime. Wait no martin existed.  
After the cat- i mean president The Regrets, helen spiral walked in, sulking with the poutiness of a white man who was not the focus of something.  
“I simply don’t understand why I’ve been demoted!” helen cried, karenishly.  
“You’ve killed 20 people helen.” john said.  
“How dare you! I’ve killed much more than 20!!” Helen screeched.  
With that, Not Not ∞ Sasha walked helen out and john leaned back in his chair.  
“I have something to tell you all,” said Jhngon.   
No one responded, because there was no one in the room.  
“I’ve been lying to the narrator. As an avatar of The Eye, I only have one eyes.”  
No one responded, because there was no one in the room, but John felt a definite satisfaction nonetheless. Finally, he was sharing his truths.  
The end


End file.
